Repair and Re-connect in Parenting

In the realm of relationships, familial and otherwise, maintaining emotional balance is the key to healthy conflict. However, with the inevitable triggers that can arise with the ups and downs of life, emotional dysregulation often prompts a reaction that can inflict damage to the connections we care about.

Anchored in the intricate dynamics of our earliest bonds, the concept of repair emerges as a beacon of hope. As we delve into the complexities of human connection, it's increasingly clear that our ability to mend and reconcile after disruption profoundly shapes our relational fabric. In this article, we embark on an exploration of repair, tracing its origins in early attachments and uncovering its transformative potential in nurturing resilience, intimacy, and trust within our most cherished relationships.

Before diving into the concept of 'repair,' we must first credit John Bowlby, the sage behind Attachment Theory. Bowlby paints life as a series of bold adventures launched from a secure base—the base being the earliest bonds formed by children with their caregivers. These nascent bonds have a tremendous impact that continues throughout life. Life is all about those daring leaps, but having solid ground to return to is where the magic of self-trust and emotional balance lies. Repair is the glue that holds our relationships together, especially those with our little ones.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, the 'Millennial Parenting Whisperer' (a must follow if you are not already), breaks it down beautifully. "Repair," she says, "is any attempt to squash negativity in a relationship". It's the hug after the storm; the bridge back to connection when things feel a bit wonky.

But let's keep it real. Maintaining a balanced and regulated environment with a small child or even an adolescent isn't always a cake walk. We've got layers to peel here. First off, there's that niggling feeling that saying sorry might somehow condone bad behavior. Ever been there? It's that internal tug-of-war: "My kid messed up, I had every right to lose my cool...right?" Well, think of it this way: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be connected?" That's the real question. Prioritizing that bond, even when tempers flare, is where the gold's at.

Then there's the Mom guilt: "I'm the worst mom ever. I completely lost it. I yelled. What's wrong with me?"

If that sounds familiar you might be in need of a dose of self-compassion. Before we can attempt a repair with our children, we've got to check in with ourselves to assess our emotional bandwidth. What soothes your soul? What gentle words can you whisper to yourself before you face your little one?

It’s all about softening the edges, and setting the stage for those healing words. And how about timing? Sooner is better, but better late than never, right? Even as adults, hearing a heartfelt: "Hey, I've been thinking about that rough patch we hit..." can be downright healing. In healthy relationships, there's always room for repair, no matter how much time has passed.

And when those tough moments start happening more than they should? If every day feels like a marathon of emotional hurdles, it’s time to check on the level of our emotional batteries. Is our power running on low? Maybe it's a sign we’ve been putting ourselves last for too long. Good news - we can hit reset any time we choose.

As parents, we're the captains of this ship. Repair is not just for our parent-child bond; it will act as the blueprint for all their future relationships.

“All dyads experience states of miscoordination, the difference between well-functioning and more poorly functioning pairs is in the proportion of repairs” (Wilson and Gottman, 2002). After all, it’s the missteps and the do-overs that truly shape us and our connections.